The Journal Entries of William Amell
by Apollo Wings
Summary: As read by Shiloh Tabris in chapter 14 in A Joint Journey. No need to read AJJ to understand this or vice versa. Just a little extra reading. Rated M for abuse.


The journal entries of William Amell that made Shiloh Tabris re-evaluate her point of view of him. Set in the A Joint Journey Universe.

He's fourteen at the moment and has just been shipped to Kinloch Hold from the circle at Starkhaven. As a point of reference -

Ponderous Mage = autistic/aspergers syndrome.

This is my explanation on why William Amell is rather different. Why he doesn't remember much about his life but occasionally thinks of something about his life previous to the circle. He was told everything from his life before the circle. He just has a few memories to rely on and can't see why people would lie to him about them. Hopefully it's understandable.

It's not like you read your old journal entries.

* * *

**Dragon 9:20**

**21, Bloomingtide.**

I asked them what my name is today and they just said that I'm getting better. But that can't be my name can it? No-one else has a name like that. Even the Tranquil, and they give me the creeps, have names.

Maybe I'm different. I heard the people say something about Ponderous Mages. And how they have three now. I asked them about that too. They said I'll see in time. But you don't see in time, you see in colors and shapes. I see these little creatures sticking to peoples skin. They feel like they're slowly eating the layer of dead skin on the top of it.

I've been in my bunk for two days according to the man who sees me everyday, he called himself First Enchanter Irving. This is the first I can remember being here though. I think there's something wrong with me but they won't tell me.

**22, Bloomingtide.**

I asked them what the small creatures are and they said that I'm going to be a candidate for advanced learning. That means the specialized magic before my harrowing. They smiled at me and laughed. It was really odd but it was nice.

I got shown a skyball today too. This boy four years my senior called Jowan showed me how to calculate the date from it so I put the date on the top of this entry in my new journal and yesterdays one. I asked him what a Ponderous Mage is. He said he doesn't know but I think he's lying.

**28, Bloomingtide.**

I haven't written in this journal for a week now. I got told off because they said I'm retreating into myself and that I should keep on writing. Even if I just write a few sentences.

They did a ritual yesterday to try and give me my memories again. I can remember a man in this black and burgundy clothes that look a little like robes. He had a pipe and called me 'Laddie'. I asked them if that's my name but it's not. They're going to try it again tomorrow to see if I can remember who I am or anything else.

I'm getting tired of staying in my bunk but they don't think I'm strong enough to move too much. I tried getting up but I fell straight onto the floor and ripped the stitches out of my shoulder. I guess they're right.

**30, Bloomingtide.**

I woke up today feeling different. The ritual they did yesterday meant I didn't wake up at all. I think I know my name. The man in black and burgundy said it. He called me 'William' in this one. I asked them if this is my name and they smiled at me. I think it is. They keep on saying I'm improving and I should be able to have my stitches out soon.

That is - if I keep in my bunk. I feel like I've never been anywhere other than in this bunk.

Jowan brought me some soup that had meat in it. Chicken. It's all stringy and white but it tastes different from the tattie and neep soup I've been having. I like it.

**1, Justinian.**

They took out my stitches today and this woman called Wynne did this thing called 'Spirit Healing' - it felt all tingly and numb while she did it and a few of the bruises I have disappeared too.

Apparently I'm improving a lot and I might be able to meet the two other people who came here with me. They're both older than me. An elven girl called Flora and a blond haired boy called Anders. I heard them saying things about Ponderous Mages when they get spoken about. Maybe we're all the same? It would be nice to meet people like me.

**3, Justinian.**

They tried the ritual again. I remembered being in a really dark place, with shouting and this thudding. I felt my bones breaking.

I asked them about it and they said it's all part of the treatment I'm getting. I hope the next times don't feel like that. It was horrible and I was scared.

**4, Justinian.**

A man called Knight-Commander Greagoir came to see me today when First Enchanter Irving was here. He wanted to speak to Irving about me but didn't want me to hear. After that he asked Irving to leave the room for a while when he asked me questions.

He asked me how much I could remember and I told him all about the dark place, how I felt my bones breaking. He then got this thick wad of vellum out. Apparently it's my circle file. He asked me about people I've never heard of.

There was one called Damion and another called Revka. He asked a lot of questions about them actually. I told him about the black and burgundy man and he told me it was this Damion person. I'm going to be put in the Fade with First Enchanter Irving. They want to find out why I was nearly dead when I arrived here. I'd like to know too.

**8, Justinian.**

Irving helped me in the Fade. I was in the dark place again and there were men in big metal suits punching and kicking me. He did this thing and they got shot with lightning. Irving picked me up from the ground and carried me into a different place. I was hurting but it was weird - like it wasn't actually my body anymore. I asked Irving about that and he said that in the Fade you're only there in you mind while your body sleeps.

In the different place I saw the black and burgundy man again. He greeted me with a hug and called me William. This time a woman with the darkest brown hair came into the room. She had flour all up her arms and wiped them off on a pinafore before picking me up and asking how many arrows me and my dad had destroyed today on a range. I didn't know what she was talking about but the black and burgundy man said I managed to hold a shortbow properly and nearly got an arrow on a target. I don't know why but I felt happy when he ruffled my hair and said I was going to take after him.

Then Irving took me to another place. It was all stone and high barred windows. I felt drawn to a desk and sat at it. There was a book on the desk that had the name 'William Amell' on it. I asked Irving if it was mine and he nodded. A small lesson on mana and how to meditate properly happened and afterwards a group of the metal men asked me to follow them.

Irving followed behind me as the metal men took me back to the dark place and I was in pain again. I was crying and begging for them to stop but they were laughing too much to hear me.

Then we were out of the Fade again. Irving gave me a hug and I cried. I felt like a bairn when that happened and he had to go and get the Wynne woman.

The Wynne woman healed me again and said I might be able to have a small walk tomorrow.

**9, Justinian.**

I managed to walk around the dormitory today. My leg was apparently better after being fractured and Wynne said I should make a full recovery but time would tell if I'd damaged something called a 'growth plate' too much. If it's too damaged Wynne said I'll need this special treatment that I'll have to be put to sleep for. I asked her about it and she looked tired before telling me.

I'll have to have my leg broken again and this metal cast put on it while my bones grow back together. It's supposed to be painful so that's why I'll need to be asleep.

I met Anders properly today. He talks a lot and he's very funny. He's nearly five years older than me and he's apparently escaped from the circle twice already. Then I met Flora again. She's only three years my senior and she has this really gentle voice. Then she showed me this pattern on her wrist. Apparently she draws on herself with a special needle and ink while she does this 'healing aura' thing. She remembers the patterns as if they're from a long time ago and I told her about going into the Fade with Irving. She hugged me for that and told me it's not my fault.

But I don't understand what isn't my fault.

**10, Justinian.**

The ritual I woke up from today gave me back all my memories and I've never been so scared of everything around me. The woman with flour on her hands is supposed to be my mother, the black and burgundy man is my father.

I was beaten within an inch of my life. Because I'm a mage. Because I'm something they call a Ponderous Mage. It means I'm different. Like Flora and Anders. They don't think Jowan is one anymore but he still stays with us in the lessons. They think he's a little like us.

I don't understand why I got beaten though.

But I walked all the way up to the end of the corridor today. They think I might be able to go to the extra-curriculars soon. Anders and Flora said they're horrible lessons. History and dancing and such. Because Ponderous Mages need to keep their minds occupied. Wynne does the dancing classes and it's supposed to be horrible because this man called Sweeney plays the lute and he's not very good. A man called Torrin does the history and apparently he sets really long essays on it.

**11, Justinian.**

I think I have friends. Jowan and Anders called me their friend and I hardly know them! Hopefully I'll live up to the title soon enough. I can't be much fun when I have to use an old broken staff to walk and even then can't get further than the corridor.

Irving asked me some more questions about what happened in the Fade. He thinks I should be a candidate for memory retrieval. Apparently it takes a long time but I'm supposed to be able to get all my memories back.

We start it tonight. I don't know if I want my memories back though. Everyone here is really friendly and keeps on hugging me.

**5, Kingsway.**

I can't hide from the templars. Not anywhere. They're going to come back for me if I don't do well here. They're going to give me the brand. They'll make me Tranquil.

They say I've been retreating into my mind - that my memories have been hurting me.

I have to be good. I have to do my lessons. I can't be bad. I'll get the brand.

Irving keeps on staring at me when I'm in lessons and he visits. I must be doing something wrong because he asked to speak to my tutor afterwards about me.

I try to sleep at night but they're always there - always trying to get to me again. I spend the whole night worked up into a frenzy before I end up screaming and waking up the dormitory. Nobody wants to speak to me and I can't blame them. I make their lives more difficult. I'm a terrible person. Maybe I deserve to be made Tranquil. Maybe they won't be able to get me anymore.

**6, Kingsway.**

I'm being called to Irving's office later. I've done something wrong. I'm going to be made Tranquil. I spoke quite loudly the other day. I might have used too much ink today in lesson. But the quill kept on drying out!

I was asked to stay out of afternoon lessons. I've done something wrong. Even Flora, Jowan and Anders won't speak to me.

I've done something so wrong even the people who I thought were my friends hate me. Everyone does.

**7, Kingsway.**

They want to do another one of the rituals they did on me when I was sent here. This one they said will be the last. I've obviously said something they're not happy with. They're lying to me. I'll be Tranquil before I can care. They'll send me back to Starkhaven. The templars will have me again and because I'm back they'll know I was too much trouble here.

I'm going to die. I can't do anything. If I don't argue maybe I'll get just another beating.

They've never beaten me here but it has to be a false sense of security. They're going to make me think I'm safe and then they'll even take that away from me.

**1, Haring.**

I woke up today in my bed with a bandage on my head. They told me I'd fallen down the stairs in the tower. I had to ask them how old I am. When my name-day is. What my name is.

I remember being six and I burnt down a merchant stall in Starkhaven. I remember being taken to the tower there. My memories before that are hazy. But I still didn't know about myself.

But I'm a mage apprentice. My name is William Amell and I'm fourteen. My name-day is 20 Cloudreach. I'm nearly as tall as the older apprentices and I have to wear really big robes and a belt to hold them on me properly. Apparently I'm here in Kinloch Hold because I'm special. I'm a thing they call a Ponderous Mage. I get to go to extra lessons in normal things. Not magic things because I need to keep my mind occupied.

Some people know my name. They're in my classes because they're Ponderous Mages too. They seem friendly. They said I'm their friend. They were worried about me because of my head injury but they said they'll help me until I'm back to being myself again. I have no choice but to trust these people to make me better.

I want to be me again. I have a pin brooch - it has a paste heraldry on it that's supposed to be Amell. I was also shown some swatches of fabric that are supposed to be my family tartan. I think I remember that. I think my father wore them.

I remember something from when I was younger - maybe five, I think I was wearing them. I hated them but I can't remember why. They look like a link into the memories I don't have.


End file.
